As you may know, I made it almost two and a half years with my son before I turned to the boob tube. (I consider TV essentially a wasteland, especially for children.)

It just seemed silly to stay home with my son just to delegate raising him to Hollywood types whose values I do not share.

But today we watched some Barney, and The Purple One sang a song about covering your face when you sneeze. Forget kids. Can we get Barney played for food service workers?

I am now a Barney fan.

I still intend to write a piece analyzing how lame children's TV is, but it will have to wait. I am about to get really busy again for a while.

- posted by Michael @ 12:50 PM

 
Some serious issues buried in my story today. I think.

I’m at a playground with toddler equipment. A friend and her two kids, 1+ and 3+, are along with my guy, 2+.

There is a mom there with two boys—she later said they were both four and a half—and they are using one of those giant, full-seat, thick plastic swings. I believe they are considered accessible for the physically challenged. I just wasted a half hour on Google trying to find a picture of one, since this will make no sense if you don’t understand how substantial this thing is. (Way more solid than the swings in the middle of this shot.)

These folks are not just swinging on it. The boys are taking turns having the mom swing them as high as is physically possible—she is literally running her upright body under the entire swing to help them reach maximum height. (I recently learned this is called an “underdog” in some parts of the country.)

Now if these kids weigh 40 or so pounds, then this is a 50+ pound battering ram, swinging back and forth from some eight feet high. Note also that these giant full seat swings are lower to the ground than other swings.

Note also that there are about a half dozen toddlers in this vicinity at this time.

I was appalled.

But I did not say anything. I did notice that the other kids were being kept away, and that the nannies with these kids kept watching the woman and her kids. You could not look away, because the swing was going higher than any other swing of this size you have ever seen. It’s why people watch someone standing on a ledge of a building.

Soon, my friend saved her 1+ year-old, who had run right for the path of the battering ram.

I should have said something nicely at that point, but did not.

A few minutes later, despite pretty close watching of our kids, her 3+ year-old almost got nailed by the 50 pound battering ram.

At that point, a verbal melee ensued.

I’ll boil it down for you: my best digs were suggesting the battering ram mom was incredibly self-centered and clueless about what was appropriate at a park designed for toddlers. When she suggested we watch just our kids more closely, I reminded her that the entire reason we come to a playground is to have a safe playing environment.

Her best dig was asking me if I was an attorney. Totally low blow.

She finally said very loudly, so everyone could hear: “Come on Johnny, apparently this man doesn’t want us to play around here.” And they went a few yards away to the other end of the equipment.

My friend – I have not known her very long – was clearly surprised I went right for the jugular. But then again, when a crazy old lady once told her 3 year old daughter to “shut up” because the girl was singing in the supermarket, my friend’s sharp reply was “I don’t appreciate the way you are talking to my daughter.” I’m not that mild with my friends!

But here’s the best part. After the woman went to the other end of the park, the three nannies (immigrants, non-native English speakers) came up to me together and one said “Thank you for saying something. We were scared, too, but we could not say anything.”

I assume they meant they, as immigrants (?) or nannies (?) could not say something to a tall, blond, Anglo mom. I told them to feel free to always let me know if they needed help, but that they should feel free to speak up themselves on behalf of their kids.

Imagine: Anglos hire these nannies to keep their kids safe during the day, but the nannies don’t feel comfortable in speaking up to protect their charges. Hey working parents—are you following this?

Later, after all three nannies and the mom had left, another nanny arrived and said she had heard from other nannies that I had yelled at some mean woman. I’m a legend!!! Made my day.

The whole issue was tricky, for a couple of reasons.

1—I believe in giving parents wide latitude in raising their own kids. While I would never let me kid swing that high, let alone swing him that high myself, it was her call, it seems to me, whether that was safe for her kid. (Of course, I would have intervened if I had felt she was endangering her kid beyond some hard-to-define line.) I don’t like meddlers who complain if you give your kid apple juice when they are the milk police, but this was a lot closer to being out of line.

2—As a man yelling at a woman, you have to be particularly careful not to be physically threatening. Of course, to see me is to know how funny that is—I have not exercised in what, 20 years? She could have kicked my butt. But you still have to be careful. I was literally reaching for a business card at one point, so I could say “have your husband call me” if she looked threatened by my words. I was careful not to get too close to her and was glad others were around to witness the altercation.

(If my kid had actually been injured by her behavior, however, all bets would have been off.)

3—I am still surprised she did not yield the point that she was out of line. When the first kid almost got hit, most people would have snapped out of their glee for a moment and realized: hmm, maybe this is not fair to the other kids. That’s why I felt justified in going nuclear after the second near-miss (or is it a near-hit?).

Someday I want to return to the tranquility of the worlds of business and politics.

- posted by Michael @ 11:01 AM

 
The Disney Store chain is a colossal failure (25% of stores closed, and Disney is trying to unload the chain), and anyone who has ever entered one knows immediately why: the prices are outrageous. The only time I’ll pay ridiculous rates like that is if I am captive in Orlando, not at the local mall when I can walk next door and lay less.

But I’ll let the boy play in there, since he runs right for it whenever we get near it.

So Wednesday, we’re there, and all of a sudden he’s walking around with a jeweled tiara on, and he’s trying out one of his new phrases: “Let’s buy this.”

And I’m thinking, this breaks at least two rules of mine.

But he’s pretty insistent.

Well, I stall for time, which is easy since he has no intention of leaving just yet, and then he finds the jeweled magic wand, and wants that too. Hmmmm. The magic wand is a bargain at $9.50 (the tiara is $11), so I decide if my kid wants a magic wand, then by golly he’s gonna get one. I slip the tiara off his head, tell him to pick which color magic wand he wants, and we exit the store with me quietly vowing to stay away from this half of the mall.

I’m $9.50 lighter in the wallet, Disney made a quick $9.30 profit, we dodged the tiara, and the magic wand was busted by Thursday morning. Since the boy watches so little TV, he thought it was a drum stick.

Michael Eisner played me for a sucker on this one.

- posted by Michael @ 6:37 AM

 
Have I shamelessly plugged my friends' businesses lately?

Tracks magazine--music for grown-ups.

Stork Airways--gifts for grown-ups about to get very busy.

Thanks.




- posted by Michael @ 6:19 AM

 
Working on a new essay (a fancy word for a longer/rambling blog entry). Hope to have it by 9/17. (I'm going to get very busy for a week or so.) It should ruffle a few feathers. Stay tuned!

- posted by Michael @ 1:04 AM

 
Talked to a 20-something guy today who told me he has a great side business going: he "tutors" little kids--kids as young as two--in sports. Upper middle class parents virtually throw money at him, and he plays sports with their kids on weekends. These are not single moms concerned that their boys will somehow lack for male role-models (I asked). These are families with healthy moms and dads.

He theorized that they are guilty parents who work too much, paying him to make up for what they are unable to do for their kids. I would agree with him, except I would replace his words "are unable" with the words "choose not."

Memo to these dads: put down the damn wallet and go play with your kids!

- posted by Michael @ 12:56 AM

 
Jealous of Aunt Jemima? My kid, earlier this week at breakfast, looking at syrup bottle: "I love you Aunt Jemima."

I was about to be jealous, but then he told me he loves me, too.

That's pretty good company. I don't care if it's 0%, or 2%, or whatever percent it is genuine maple flavor, it's yummy.

[Note to frowning parents: the syrup goes on top of an all-bran, juice-sweetened, macrobiotic muffin...not.]

- posted by Michael @ 12:45 AM

 
By the way, I'm probably moving to a once a week, Wednesday posting schedule. No time to do this right, and I feel bad if folks are coming by and seeing stale posts. Sorry, Mom, we'll just call more....
- posted by Michael @ 1:01 AM

 
Have I mentioned that my kid dialed 911 last week? My pride in his knowledge of numbers heard from one of his fire engine toys was quickly overtaken with guilt when the officer called back and scolded me for allowing my kid to get a hold of the phone.

I expected it to happen some day, and have dreaded it, but I figured it would come later.

But with so many toys telling toddlers to "dial 911 for help," how can you blame him?

Let's just hope he delivers if we ever really need it.
- posted by Michael @ 1:00 AM