Full Time Father Blog (weekly, not daily)
Monday, June 30, 2003
The other day I was standing on a little bridge with my son. The bridge overlooks a little creek. I pulled a Pepperidge Farm goldfish from our bag, and told him--he's 27 months old--to watch the fishee swim away. I dropped the goldfish ("pizza" flavor), my boy smiled, and we watched the fish inch downstream.
BIG MISTAKE.
My son, Cam, had a melt-down. "I want the fishee." Crying.
I offered him a different goldfish. Or how about 50 goldfish. We have a whole bag!
"I want that fishee."
I don't know if the 88 degrees Fahrenheit had anything to do with it, or the fact that pizza flavor is his favorite, but I sure regretted my silly idea.
Lesson #6,435: Don't try to be Bill Nye the Science Guy if you haven't examined all the possible ramifications.
Five minutes and a lot of distance later, he was still moaning "I want that fishee."
I finally got my head together, told Cam that the fishee was swimming home and would come up the kitchen sink and be waiting for us when we got home, and he cheered up.
I was fully prepared to place a fishee in the sink when we got home--I admit it--but he had forgotten about it by the time we got home.
Five minutes of crying over a single Pepperidge Farm goldfish, even though he routinely destroys several of them whenever he gets the chance. Yes, I have a two year-old.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Another pending issue is how to deal with older kids who are unkind to my son. A big four year-old would not let my 27 month-old join in the poolside play the other day. My guy looked stunned more than hurt. (Of course, he would probably have done the same thing, if he had had the chance. We’re still working on sharing.)
I did not do anything. I guess if he had hit my kid I might have intervened, but maybe only if he had hit him hard. The little injustices are just something he will have to negotiate on his own.
A mom I was talking to had a bigger problem that day. A four or five year-old girl was pouring water on her two year-old’s head (repeatedly)--making the boy cry--and the girl’s mommy was nowhere to be found. Since when do you leave your five year-old unattended in a pool, even a kiddie pool?
On Thursday, I had much trouble getting my guy to take a nap. We usually read books, or act out silly conversations with stuffed animals, but on this day, I must have conked out instead of him. I only know this because at some point I heard him say "Wake up!" I opened my eyes to find him kneeling over me. We went outside for a while and he took a very late nap, instead.
Yes, I know, lots of kids just go in their rooms and take a nap. But we do a daily ritual. We’ll work on it.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
This is a few months old but is a good read. In it, full time father and Reason writer Jeff Taylor suggests that full time fathers are a threat both to the Left and the Right.
Here's his take on why we do what we do:
"So if the left-right dichotomy doesn't help explain what is going on, what does? If we have to grossly oversimplify all complexities of family life—and we do, because it is fun—to come up with a sloppy, catchy metaphor, I'd borrow one from sports: Playing out of position.
"When Magic Johnson, subbing for an injured Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, scored 42 points and give the Lakers a championship in 1980, it wasn't because he suddenly preferred Jabbar's center position to point guard. He made the switch and embraced it because the switch gave his team its best shot at being successful. Nor did Magic sacrifice anything, as the position switch provided him the best chance to secure his top goal, winning.
"Presumably men who choose to stay home do so because they believe it gives their families the best shot at flourishing despite millions of years of evolution and thousands of years of culture to the contrary. This weight of history will keep most at-home dads feeling out of position for the foreseeable future even as they strive to do what's best for their particular brood."
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Interesting new site just launched by a guy I used to work with. Baby stuff! Seems like so long ago....
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
One of the perks of Full Time Fatherhood:
We are at an elementary school today, playing on their playgrounds and walking their halls. We go in the gym, and there are playground balls AND basketball nets set lower for the youngsters.
So of course, Daddy -- who is 5’ 10”, at most -- goes about executing some stupendous slam dunks. My son seemed amused to see Daddy jumping around like a fool.
I just said to him, “Someday you will understand the appeal of this.”
Every short guy’s dream – dunking a basketball.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Six votes for sanity today in the internet filtering case before the Supreme Court. The Court ruled that Congress can require libraries that accept federal funds to put internet filters on library computers to protect kids from smut.
And believe it or not, the poor dears over at the American Library Association are crying that they will now have a harder time peddling porn to our nation's children. Peddle it to your own kids, ya' bums.
If your TWO year-old corrects you (and is right) when you misspeak, how dreadful must it be to have teenagers???
Yesterday, my son reminded me to say "please," after I had failed to do so.
I guess it's time to place one of my periodical calls home where I say to my parents: "Sorry for everything I ever did to you when I was a kid."
Sunday, June 22, 2003
The staying power of this Sesame Street web site is starting to amaze me. My 27 month-old is not tired of it yet. He can go at it for more than an hour per sitting, and usually only leaves unwillingly. Now that's what those dot commers call "stickiness."
Saturday, June 21, 2003
Friday, June 20, 2003
UPDATE: my boy is on his computer, sitting next to me right now (yes, we keep strange hours), and he is using his hand with the burned fingers to manipulate the computer mouse (this is where he likes to surf). It does not excuse my human error, but it makes me feel a bit better to know he is already back in business.
OK--time to put him to bed. Tomorrow is another chance to be a successful parent.
I failed my son today and I’m going to mention it even though it infuriates me. In short, my 2 year-old burned two of his fingers on the oven today.
Damn. I am usually so vigilant. But not today.
So we called the Doctor and called his Mom and read the books on what to do. We immersed it in water than put some ice on it separated by a cloth (when the Doc overrode one of the books) and gave him some Tylenol and fretted a lot.
He did not cry much, but he was obviously in pain, and I was having trouble distracting him.
So I turned on the TV.
He just watched more TV in one day than he has probably watched in his entire life up until now.
It did distract him—to a disturbing degree, I would say—and gave his body time to get used to his hurt little fingers.
A few observations.
* Failing your kids sucks. One of the reasons I am with him full time is precisely to protect him until he is old enough to take care of himself. I have been very proud of my record. Today, I blew it.
* TV is a vast wasteland. Even PBS. I have a great idea now for an op-ed (we’ll see if I can get it published). I will videotape a week’s worth of these children’s shows, and summarize the results for parents who have not watched them. After watching these shows, it is no wonder that ONE IN FOUR twelfth graders nationwide can’t read. (Read this and this.)
* Lots of these shows say they get taxpayer dollars not just from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, but also from the federal Department of Education. What a waste!
I know TV is a part of our lives and a part of our culture and we just can’t escape it. But whenever possible, turn it off. It’s lame compared to real life.
And most important of all, do not let your guard down like I did today. Let’s keep our kids safe!
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Here's a nice profile of a Maine family making financial sacrifices to spend a lot of time with their children. They certainly won't suffer for doing without cable TV.
I do a smidgeon of work for money once in a while. Yesterday was one of those days.
Mom stayed with the boy, while I put on a suit and remembered how to tie a tie and grabbed my briefcase and headed off.
In the midst of a breakfast meeting, as I reached for a pen in my briefcase, I recalled how I had recently let my son play with the stuff in there. So of course, there were no pens left in there. They are still scattered throughout our house.
So not only did I forget my watch, but now I have no pen.
Glancing under the table, I spied a pen, not too far from my foot. Typically, I would never touch a random pen on the floor of a restaurant in some grimy city.
But by slowly sliding my foot towards the pen, carefully avoiding the foot of my potential client sitting across from me, I was able to drag the pen--a gift from God--close to the briefcase, all the while trying to keep the conversation going.
I reached down and grabbed the pen--it was gloriously free of tangible filth--and by the end of breakfast, I had a new client, to boot.
Good news all around, but it could limit my time for developing this blog and website....
Lesson #5,483: always check your stuff to replensih supplies pilfored by your child.
I was going to do a post on why the new census numbers of full time fathers are largely useless. But Rebel Dad already covered this ground (Tuesday, June 17) better than I would have.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
A saleswoman hawking an ID bracelet for kids accosted us in a Zany Brainy toystore today. I found her sales pitch a bit too aggressive, so I got a bit flippant. "I never let him out of my sight," I said in explaining why I was not buying her goods. She virtually rolled her eyes, and audibly guffawed.
Is it any wonder FAO (which owns ZB) is in bankruptcy if they allow rude salespeople to use their stores to hawk their wares?
Or could they be in bankruptcy because people like me use their stores as a rainy day place to play?
OOPS!
Census: More Kids With Stay-At-Home Moms
The whole article is worth reading, but don't miss this line:
"Full-time stay-at-home dads took care of 189,000 children in 2002, up 18 percent from 1994."
Woo woo!
Also don't miss the hilarious perspective of the advocacy group known as the "Annie E. Casey Foundation." They take the fact that lots of poor, single moms have kids at home, combined with the fact that most working moms are married, and spin that into a factoid that kids with mothers at home are four times as likely to live in poverty!
Hilarious. And sinister.
The article gives the last word to the Family and Home Network. Boy, these mommy (and daddy) war folks play hardball!
I used the phrase "you're pulling my leg" tonight with my son--he was saying that his milk was grape juice--and he proceeded to pull on my leg. How in the world can we human beings learn all this language stuff?
Even though he seems to understand most of what we are saying now (he's 27 months old), how much does he really understand?
As I will explain in an essay in coming days/weeks, my son and I do not watch TV (with very minor exceptions). I once did a calculation of time awake during life and time most people watch TV, and I did not like the results.
I am sure this will change, in part because I do not want my kid to be left out of all the TV-based cultural references his friends will have, but again, I'll address these issues in the future.
For now, consider this reminder from former Congressman Joe Scarborough that when in doubt, turn the TV off. The rich old men who run Viacom are happy to debase our culture and corrupt your kids to make a buck.
And remember: Nickelodeon and MTV are owned by the same company.
Monday, June 16, 2003
MH from New York writes: "i'm not sure it's fair for anyone to say they are a full time parent simply because they are staying at home. part of being a good parent is also to provide for your kids, and people who work outside the home for this purpose are not being any less than full time parents. maybe the better term would be full time caregiving parent. no doubt you spend less time being a caregiving parent if you work outside the home."
A great point. I hope I have not denigrated the "providing" function--it's obviously essential. I guess I would reply that I am simply describing myself--I am a full time father--and that leaves everyone else free to describe themselves as they wish.
More on this in the coming weeks....
Could not convince the boy to leave the mall today. (I was bored, but too tired to just pick him up and run for the car.) So I found myself eating a lot of junk. OK, so long as it doesn't happen too often!
Interesting NY Times story on the sad situation of "urban nomads," 20-somethings who move around the country, essentially homeless. Key line:
"By contrast, urban nomads tend to be white and largely male, with backgrounds that are typically working class and occasionally middle-class. Many are children from homes where a parent's remarriage has produced family conflicts."
In fact, broken homes and drug abuse abound in the tales these kids tell.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Some recommended reading. A sweet piece from Cal Thomas (who is not exactly known as a warm and fuzzy guy). My favorite part:
"Are too many men too busy to be much more than biological fathers today? Have they convinced themselves that more hours on the job in order to buy more stuff is of greater importance than inhabiting their place in the home and their position as father in the hearts of their children?
"My recent high school reunion concluded with a tour of the old building. When we arrived at the gymnasium -- where I had played basketball -- a classmate asked me what I remembered most about those games. I said that while I recalled a few shots that actually went in, what I remembered most was that my Dad attended every home game. I pointed to where he sat on the upper row. It is an image burned into my heart and mind."
His dad sounds like a great man. No offense intended on my part, but my dad also went to all of my away games.
OK, more reading. Oliver North on fathers and war.
And finally, a piece on the importance of marriage and fathers.
And now please excuse me while I send a personal note: Thanks, Dad! Your card will be late again this year....
Tip for the day: do NOT take your two year-old through the ice cream aisle of the supermarket if he is way past his naptime.
On this Father's Day, don't forget to say a prayer for the dads who died in the liberation of Iraq, their children, and their families.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Yesterday's moment: my son arguing with an ant. (This time, a living ant.)
The big thing right now is possessiveness. "That's MY ____." Two minutes later: "That's MY ____."
On the way to the car yesterday, we walked past a deceased worm. An ant was struggling to carry away said worm. I was preparing to share my most advanced scientific knowledge--See, son, how strong that little ant is, able to move that giant sleeping worm?--when my son looked right at the ant and said fiercely: "That's MY worm."
I had to scoop the boy up and strap him in the car before he and the ant could slug it out.
Saved that ant's life.
Friday, June 13, 2003
Fascinating to watch a two year-old use a computer mouse. When will he want his own email account?
This thing--parenthood--can only get harder as he gets older, especially in our debased culture. How long can I screen out the nasty stuff for him? The TV is off, but the World Wide Web is on....
Fatherville.com is worth checking out. And don't write it off as a site just because they published my Father's Day piece.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
After he woke up from his nap (see previous post), he went about 43 minutes before he asked where the ant was....
Today's moment:
We begin nap time by reading together. Today, my son wanted me to read to him using my "ant" voice. I only have about two voices--I was always amazed by my friends in junior high who could do dozens of different voices and imitations. So, in my ant/Louie Armstrong/Ed Sullivan/Beverly Hillbilly voice (I told you I only have two voices), and holding the little plastic ant figure somebidy gave him from the movie Ants or Antz or whatever (never saw it), I read book after book after book, until my throat hurt. He finally fell asleep.
Yes, I have now hidden the ant. We'll see if he remembers. (He usually does.)
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
I am preparing to (soft) launch my new site: FullTimeFather.com. I would like this site to become a source of strength and information for all full time parents (formerly known as "stay at home" moms/dads). Yes, I will tend to emphasize fathers, at least at first. After all, we are the circus freaks out there. But moms face tough challenges as well, and I hope to make them feel comfortable on this site as well.
We'll see if I have the time to do this right.
